It was an old photograph. I’d been staring at her now for what had felt like hours. The iconic photograph was taken in my 23rd year, wearing that quintessential white gown, bright genuine smile, and waving to the crowds. It was my wedding day. And I remember that day as if it was yesterday. Now 30 years later, and staring at this image of myself I could still feel the weight and soft fabric of the dress, the piercing stares of the guests in the cathedral, and orchestral music playing the background as I slowly strolled down that red carpet…
In the 30 years that have now passed, so much of my life had changed, more importantly so had I. My marriage to the Prince was the very start. It not only marked the official status of my commencement into my (now then) husbands Royal Family, it was the dawn of unfathomable media scrutiny. “Fat Porky Pork”, “Silly Willy”, “Naïve and Oblivious”, were just a few of the ever turning headlines that took publish. Although every single one of my family members, friends, and officials took to my defense to protect me it wasn’t enough to keep journalists from degrading. As both hurtful and humiliating those titles media had named, what’s worse is that I believed every single one of them.
In the early stages of my new life, I made every attempt to convince myself that all this negative attention was just the small hole of it. Eventually it would all fade, and I’d be able to continue with my personal life. But at the time, it became so daunting that it began to reflect on my attitude towards my own self – on the inside and out. The “Live with absolutely no regret” motto I’d lived by in all of those teen years had suddenly disappeared. While on the outside I was all smiles, on the inside I was hurting deeply. It became so cumbrous that it eventually took towards my marriage.
My husband and I decided to part ways when I was 33, 10 years after we made our vows that we’d be together till our death. While many were left in confusion about our separation, he and I knew it would be for the better. Over the years, our relationship had grown apart. While we still very much love each other, we both agreed that there was no longer any purpose for us to continue being together. Regardless, the divorce ended on mutual terms. And to this day we still keep in contact and care deeply for each other. Though it is out of love and respect for the person, and not necessarily as “husband and wife”. As one who’s departed from the Royal Family, everyone is still so generous in ensuring that I’m able to live a well off life and have that ability to be provided for myself without hesitation.
When I was much younger I read a saying by Marilyn Monroe, “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” And in the darkness I had lived in for many years, I not once thought to look back at that. I could say that I regret not looking back at it, but as said by Marilyn – Everything happens for a reason.
In referring back to what I said about being all smiles on the outside, at that time I believe I had an addiction. It is not the tangible addiction like alcohol or by drugs. It’s a much more thought provoking addiction I had went through. Which I truly believe was the cause of my distress. Thirsty people need water, hungry people need food, cold people need warmth, and rejected people need acceptance. I was addicted to acceptance. It was the answer to why I was so easily hurt by the ridicule I received from the press. All those who I loved continuously aided in stating to the public that I was not at all like what you read. Eventually people believed it. The downside – I didn’t.
I had no clue as to who I was and what was going to make me happy. I felt absolutely worthless. Over the years of this long journey, I learned that self worth is NOT measured by the square footage of your home, nice clothes, and money. When we search for "ourselves" in the eyes of others, we have imprisoned our own-selves in believing that our self-worth is nothing unless others validate who we are. Unless we approve of whom we are, what we are, and what we are capable of doing as an individual, only then we will have released "us" from our own imprisonment. We are in charge of our own life's destiny and what we do and become can only be validated by our accomplishments and failures; not by what others may think of us. (Dahveed)
… In looking at the young woman in the picture I hold. I say quietly to her – You are an incredible woman. You know who you are. You just didn’t need 30 years to figure it out.
M
M
